Wanted: Husband for Chemically Sensitive Woman

 

Hi, today, I’m placing an ad out for a husband. Please read carefully before applying for this specialised position:

  • For visual entertainment must be able to wash dishes while wearing only boxer-short type undies. Footy shorts are a fine alternative to boy-leg knickers.
  • To avoid contaminating the indoor airspace must be willing to take clothes off outside, or at least in another room, and head straight for the shower (Yes, coincidently, this happens to be visually entertaining also, but that’s not the actual reason for this rule.)
  • Must be able to explain the ins’ and outs’ of this rule to visitors and be able to facilitate the actions needed to sustain it—actually, to protect visitors modesty and the neighbours eyes from seeing your uncle Ted naked, maybe we’ll just forgo visitors until my health recovers, hey?

Visitor Protocol

  • However, if we must have visitors then they must keep a set of clothes here that haven’t been washed in fabric softener, washing powder, or worn with fragrance. These clothes must be new and have been washed here at my house, in my machine and with our fragrance-free liquid (It’s the only one my immune system is okay with (for now until my tolerance comes back). Visitor showers at home with our bodywash, shampoo, conditioner and whatever else they need (shave cream/moisturiser), which we supply. You’re welcome. Visitor must drive here in a car that doesn’t have a Fragrance Emitting Device blowing out fragrance over them; or with a Scented Xmas Tree hanging from the rear vision mirror. Then when they arrive they discreetly shower (again) with our products, then put on their fresh clothes. Lunch or dinner will then be served!

    Other Notes

  • You must understand that even after a quick nick down to the supermarket, fragrances and cleaning chemical VOC residues will stick to clothing, therefore, you need to take a shower and change clothes (See take Clothes off Outside rule.). I don’t get to go shopping or into a supermarket. Rarely, I go to Costco (which is another blog post entirely!) but I wear a mask, change clothes afterwards in the car, then shower and wash hair when I get home: even with all this preparation, I can still end up laying in bed like something the dog vomited up for some days later.
  • The same rules apply to putting petrol in the car, visiting relatives, going to work—actually, going just about anywhere. I’d love to compromise on this rule for the sake of convenience and getting along with you, but, I’m sorry, my health is more important.
  • Understand that there are House clothes and Going Out clothes. It doesn’t matter how good your bum looks in those G-Star Raw jeans, you cannot wear them in the house. Now take them off. Outside. (But leave the shorty shorts on.)
  • Also understand that there are varying degrees of chemical exposure and the amount of VOC and chemical irritants (aka fragrance) that get on your clothes will impact on my quality of life (aka breathing); the solution to this: Going Out clothes can’t be washed with House clothes.
  • Going Out clothes need to be aired in between washes to avoid the build up of VOCs and harmful fragrance ingredients
  • Due to mould and dust sensitivity, House clothes can’t be folded and put away without being washed first; and furthermore, they must be aired on the rack in the bathroom between wearing them. May I suggest you choose a couple of sets of clothing and wear them on rotation, washing them at the end of the week, like I do?

    Woodsmoke rules:

  • When it’s smoky outside, in between uses, the bathroom door needs to stay taped up with painters masking tape (It doesn’t pull the paint off like ordinary masking tape does.). If it’s left unsealed, woodsmoke can enter the house and impact my health, possibly making me ill—for days.
  • If you feel like you can’t be bothered pulling off the masking tape and then reapplying it in the middle of the night, please understand that you can’t just go pee outside when it’s smoky because the smoke particles will adhere to your clothes and skin and impact on my sinuses, possibly giving me a headache—it doesn’t matter if you can’t smell it because it’s actually the chemicals not the smell that is the problem, here
  • Washing can’t be left outside at all during the cooler months because of the woodsmoke and mould spores that will get into our clothing, so it must be dried inside the bathroom with the AusClimate dehumidifier running and must happen during the day—before it gets smoky in the evening.

Mould Rules

  • Take out the trash before anything starts to oxidise, therefore causing my sinuses to react to that rotting apple core left in there last night, which I might just throw at you on account of recidivism (dying to use that word, which just means repeat offending)
  • When I tell you there is microbial activity or fragrance on something, therefore, it must go outside, you must take my word for it. Any debating on this issue will cause a domestic the scale of Hiroshima.
  • If we are in bed and about to go to sleep yet I’m having symptoms of fragrance exposure, you need to go shower again. This time use Bicarbonate of soda, please. (It’s on the top shelf next to the shower.)
  • Any fabric that’s been left wet and in a pile for more than 48 hours will go in the bin. Mildew doesn’t wash out for people who’re are mould sensitive and mould grows after 48 hours
  • Must fulfil this: Take care of my plants until I recover due to my breathing issues I have with damp soil
  • Do not turn off any of my 3 running InovaAir or Austin air purifiers. Or prepare to die a painful death.
  • Please run the AusClimate dehumidifier after each shower so my bathroom doesn’t go mouldy
  • No shoes in the house
  • Wash dog for me when I’m sick please
  • No cooking in the house until I recover
  • Use all fragrance free personal care products and don’t use fragrances that are marketed as ‘Aftershave’, ‘Perfume’ or ‘Non-Gender specific’. If you think you can use it on the days you don’t see me, what you need to realise is this: it adheres to all your clothes and does not wash out. It makes me sick for reasons only recently discovered, yet, I have had to live with this pain in my head, sinus, airways and eyes for 14 years and still do. A cure is in sight though but don’t, for a nanosecond, think you can abandon me and then when I’m all better come back all Lothario in nature with a bunch of roses and a bottle of perfume cause I won’t want you then. And out of respect for my friends who do have MCS/EHS, ME/CFS/SEID and other medical conditions where chemical sensitivity is a symptom, I won’t wear the so-called luxury product and may just throw it at you!

PS: I recently had a NeuroQuant MRI, which shows I have atrophy in parts of my brain. I believe this gives license to behaving like a two year old; and also explains a change in my behaviour over the last 4 years. Also, breathing in fragrance really hurts my head, incredibly so, therefore, tantrums are to be expected!

Oh, and only Real Men who are Vegan may apply!

Michellina Van Loder is a Professional Writer, Journalist and Blogger. This is where she shares her tales about trail blazing her way out of the Labyrinth of Chemical Sensitivities and Mould. This is also where you will find the latest Research on related topics.

About Michellina van Loder

Comments

  1. Totally love this and would love to repost it with a link back here for multiple chemical sensitivity awareness day May 12 . I’m actually doing quite a few different MCS posts including a free movie . You really summed up exactly how it is ! Outdoor clothes and indoor clothes , yes yes yes!

    • Michellina van Loder says:

      Totally, always welcome to post anything I write that may be of use to you. Love your writing also. xo

      • Thank you so much! You have one of the two blogs that I think I have on safe Canary nest, Linda sepp is the other . I once tried to list all of the blogs I could find but they usually didn’t last or have much to offer . One thing I love about this piece is it’s not apologetic at all ! It’s just what he’ll have to do. Sometimes I am told I apologize too much for the symptoms of being sick with a Lyme disease and MCS and chronic fatigue syndrome , so it’s always great to read writing where the person is just ” that’s how it is .” xo

  2. this is great. i have done and implemented many of these ‘instructions and guidelines’ for friends or visitors.. past rships had to head straight for the shower and all that. i find though that a lot of friends have trouble with preparing and separating their clothes etc. it’s a work in progress.

    cheers, all the best!

    • Michellina van Loder says:

      Thank for reading. I get a knot in my stomach sometimes because I’ve had times where it’s gone sour and I’ve ended up sick while others have ended up frustrated because they tried but it didn’t work out. It’s turning my into a hermit somewhat.

      Cheers to you too :)

  3. Love this

  4. I love this Micha, its funny as well as informative. It will help me to be able to show it to my housemate(if he can find the time) to help him understand I’m not just being unreasonable when he returns from somewhere with fragrance on him that is polluting my safe space and causing me symptoms. So when he treats me as though I’m being unreasonable for pointing out he needed to change clothes.(as was agreed before I moved to this house) he may one day understand why I physically tore the fragranced shirt from his body and threw it in the bin outside before washing my hands and suffering itching and burning from having to touch the fabric. He wont shower for me, complains about or refuses to wear a hat to cover up whats adhered to his hair. In the meantime he thinks its ok if he just sits outside on the patio with fragrance/chemical residue on his skin, hair, clothing and then walks in and out of the house polluting my airspace as he passes through the kitchen which is right next to my safe space where my area/bed is.This is the safest part of the house for me to be in due to the fact that I dont tolerate any of the bedrooms and being surrounded on 3 of the 4 sides of the house by neighboring houses. xxx

    • Michellina van Loder says:

      Print it out in size 14 font with 1.5 lined spaces for easy reading. Let me know if you want me to put it into a document and email it to you so can just hand it to him to read, love. Okay? Or, and this is just an idea not a suggestion: Take him out back, tie him to a post and squirt him with the hose. That’ll do it!*

      Seriously though, like many, he just needs re-educating if you are to continue to or while you are living there. I find having ‘indoor clothes’ and ‘going out’ clothes handy for all visitors. This way there’s a couple of sets, usually trackies or PJs. But nice looking clothes so they are happier in them; or the type of clothes they are most happy wearing. I am thinking of having a collection of PJ pants, t-shirts, and tops for all visitors that can be interchanged. Once this total weirdo woman wanted me to get kimonos for people to put on. I’m actually considering this idea because one size would fit all!

      We just have to keep chipping away and thinking outside of the square to adapt to this life if we want to associate with others. It’s a hard one. Keep at it!

      Also, I must say: All Visitors to people who have MCS or chronic illness related to chemical sensitivities as symptom, well these visitors need to consider themselves bloody lucky if they if they get given a tyvek suit to wear. Which is what Author and Blogger, Kathryn Treat had to do; such was her high sensitivity to moulds, which was the type involving Anaphylaxis. She kept PJs for her lovely grand-children and regular visitors. The rest got Tyvek suits. Apparently she had a lovely husband who helped her from the start. Built her a special house, and all? She actually had a knack and a system that she got to work so she could be functional in her household.

  5. Haha – ah, Miche, Hubby has to do many [some we do together] of these things & wonders why I go ballistic when he does not …. I must check out the dehumidifier. For the bathroom.

    I desperately need to give it a good clean in the hard to reach spots.

    I gave very similar list of instructions out on my wedding invites 13 years ago. One relative abused me/us. “How dare you tell me not to wash” – we did not, we insisted on the use of fragrance free soaps & shampoos, giving a couple of options and even offering to supply them. How dare you have a wedding type rant …

    The kids are now old enough to question some of it. I try to be patient but sometimes I can’t be & that is hard on them.

    This MCS-EI life is one of the toughest going.

    Hugs to you :)

  6. Great stuff michellina I believe I may have found a candidate for you as impossible as it sounds.He is not tall though, is vegan and loves to cook and wear boxer shorts for visual entertainment amongst other things and loves to play soccer with the Bella.Will you marry him?

    • Yes, yes, yes, I will marry him. Can you find a suitable vegan partner for my canine, Bella? She has no religion so doesn’t need to convert. Double wedding?

  7. Michael says:

    Have MCS myself, was very interested til the last line Vegan… Arrgh I like my meat.

  8. https://sondasmcschatter.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/may-2-16-wanted-husband-for-chemically-sensitive-woman-by-michellina-van-loder/
    EXCELLENT POST—- YOU CRACK ME UP— ALONG WITH GIVING AWESOME INFORMATION!!!! :)
    THANKS MICHELLINA!!!!!!!!! I DO HOPE YOU FIND THAT HUSBAND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!!!!! ALONG WITH SOOOOOOO MANY OF MY MCS SISTERS!!!!!

    I PERSONALLY HAVE THE BEST HUBBY— AND IT TOOK A LOT OF TRAINING— HE DIDN’T COME TRAINED—- YOU MAY HAVE TO TRAIN YOUR OWN——- :) BUT HE CAN JUMP UP ON A SOAP BOX JUST ABOUT AS QUICK AS I CAN NOW ABOUT MCS—— AND HE IS NOW PROBABLY MORE AWARE OF WHAT MAKES ME SICK THEN I AM!!!! AND HE DOESN’T EAT MEAT— OR USE TOXIC CHEMICALS!!!!!

    AND HE LOVES CHICKENS ALSO!!!!!!!!!!! :) HE IS A KEEPER!!!!!!!!!!!

    • OH YOU ARE SO SO SO LUCKY. I THINK YOU NEED TO SHARE YOUR SECRETS NOW CAUSE I GET ASKED ALL THE TIME ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND MCS. I CAN SEE YOU TWO HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL, ESPECIALLY CAUSE HE LOVES YOUR CHICKENS TOO! THEY ARE SWEET ANIMALS. COMPASSION MAY BE THE FIRST OF INGREDIANTS NEEDED HERE. DONT YOU THINK? I LOVE TO MAKE YOU SMILE AND LAUGH BECAUSE THEN I SMILE AND LAUGH EVEN MORE!!! SKYPE ME ANYTIME MICHE1239 SO I CAN INTERVIEW YOU, IF YOU LIKE XOXO

      • MISHA——— I THINK OR ONLY SECRET IS — WE DID NOT KILL EACH OTHER— & IN OUR OLDER AGE– IT WOULD TAKE TOOOOO MUCH EFFORT TO HIDE THE BODY!!!! :) HUGS!!!!

        • OH– FORGOT TO ADD— OUR INTERNET SERVICE SINCE WE MOVED TO THE BOONIES OF KANSAS– IS A RETIRED SQUIRREL— AND TO SAY WE HAVE S-L-O-W INTERNET SERVICE — TO NONE— IS WHAT WE HAVE NOW— SO TO SKYPE YOU—- WE WOULD HAVE TO GIVE OUR SQUIRREL A SHOT OF TEQUILA OR SOMETHING TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!!! :) HUGS–

  9. Great writing Michellina…I do all that you do to avoid the harmful toxic frag chems etc
    love the part where you speak of the noxious devices which main and filthy up ppl OMG! and the noxious scented xmas tree that hangs in those cars ..Oh our Gods help us to breathe in this toxic world full of unthinking morons who wear and use fragranced products.
    I am trying to be well. like you trying (((hugs))) ….Lindy

  10. Michellina van Loder says:

    Thank you for sharing my comedy/life/art/work xx

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Information, products and views presented by guest bloggers @The Labyrinth are not necessarily the same as those held by this blog's author, Michellina van Loder. Reviews are my own personal opinions (unless stated otherwise); and satire is used throughout personal posts. Any health topics discussed are not to be taken as medical advice. Seek out medical attention if needed and do your own research; however, you're welcome to use mine as a start.
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